Content warning: surgery, injury
Many Autistic people grow up without Autistic role-models. No one to tell us we experience the world differently to most other people. Added to that, lots of us don’t find out we are Autistic until we are adults. There are reasons for this, like:
1. Autism stereotypes.
They are really common, but don’t fit the bill for many of us. So we assume we can’t be Autistic. See if you’ve heard some of these:
“Autistic people lack empathy”
“Autistic people don’t have a sense of humour”
“If you went to university/have a job/found a partner, you can’t be Autistic”
2. Internalised autism.
Internalised autism? What? In a nutshell, this is what happens when Autistic people mask, or camouflage, their autism. It’s a coping mechanism that starts early in life. An Autistic kid will notice their instinctive actions and choices are met with disapproval. We learn to copy the people who get positive, approving responses: neurotypicals. We learn to suppress our Autistic responses. This makes sense, because it helps us fit in and succeed. It can be so successful that we don’t look Autistic at all! This can make it tricky to diagnose our autism. BUT. Our brains are still Autistic brains. And the masking, even though it becomes automatic, requires constant, unrelenting effort. This leaves us exhausted. Sometimes it even causes burnout or poor mental health (warning: link mentions risk of suicidality).
I grew up with no-one to gently tap me on the shoulder and say “Hey, this task is hard for you because it’s designed for Neurotypicals.”. Or, “Hey, you are really good at this, MUCH better than most people, because you’re Autistic.”. Or even, “most people do NOT experience that.”
This is changing as the Autistic community connects and grows. Autistic stories can now be found in social media groups, literature, and research. It’s thrilling to see the sparks of realisation, as Autistics chime back “that’s an Autistic thing?!” “I feel so seen!”.
I did it recently, when I read this article. The part describing mirror touch synaesthesia: “People with mirror touch synaesthesia vicariously experience other people’s emotional and physical sensations in their own bodies… it can mean individuals feel the same sensation – like touch – in the same part of the body that another person feels the sensation. Others describe it as an “echo” of the touch.
I pull a memory from it‘s file. A medical school lecture on hand injuries. Slide after slide of broken hands, burned hands, cut hands. Descriptions of how the injuries happened. I feel the injuries in my own hands. Tears well, I feel nauseated, tunnel vision starts and I faint right there in my lecture theatre seat!
It happens again, and again. Operating theatres were guaranteed to make me faint. I learned the warning signs, so I could faint safely and out of the way. It was humiliating! In the back of my mind was a voice saying “You’re clearly not cut out for medicine.”.
Me: lying on the operating theatre floor.
Surgeon: mid operation, announcing confidently “Perfectly normal to faint! It’ll stop happening once you get used to it.”.
My heart soars with hope…But it didn’t stop happening. This was one of the reasons I chose a specialty without gore or surgery.
And now, the understanding of why this happens to me is….. relief! clarity! Knowledge is power, and I can pass this on.
My 5 yo is colouring at a nearby table. My 7 yo is reading to me for homework. The story is about a kid having a bad day at school. The chapter ends with disaster - the kid realising they left their lunchbox on the bus that morning. Their delicious food, gone. The book closes and I glance to the 5 yo. Tears are streaming.
I ask “What’s wrong?”
(words hesitate through sobs) “I’m just so sad about the girl not having any lunch”
“Oh darling. I hear you. That is so sad, isn’t it? And did you know that Autistic people can feel the feelings of other people very strongly? Lots of neurotypical people can’t. It’s a special thing, but it’s also hard sometimes.”.
I tell my stories about mirror touch synaesthesia. Fainting in operating theatres. Terror then relief seeing a lost child find their mum. Crying at movies and books. My kid’s hot, shaky body leans into my cuddle, then calms.
What will this generation of Autistic kids be like when they grow up? Not told off for being too sensitive. Knowing it’s possible to be a doctor AND faint at the sight of injuries. I’m impatient to find out!
super enjoyed reading this, thanks for sharing!