*content warning: mentions of death, and pregnancy*
Above is a photo of some honest feedback from my 5 yo. Kid had asked a question at my bedside at 5am: “how do snakes dig their burrows when they don’t even have hands?”. I grumpily told kid to go away, and not talk to me until my alarm went off. Their feedback note was placed by my phone minutes later.
As a parent, you never know what you’re going to be asked next. My Autistic kids are 5 and 7. Some of their memorable questions include:
How does Santa get into the house to give kids their presents?
That’s a strange car. What is it? (a hearse, with a coffin visible through the windows)
What does “fucking shit” mean? What are all the swear words? Why are swear words bad?
But how does the baby get IN the mum’s tummy?
I always answer truthfully:
Santa is a tradition that is fun to pretend, but it’s really mum and dad who buy the presents for you. A hearse is a special car for carrying dead bodies after a person dies. The body is in that box – it’s called a coffin. Fucking shit is two swear words. Fucking means having sex and shit means poo. These are all the swear words I know: (*lists expletives*). Swear words mostly mean private things, and people also say them to show they are angry. That’s why we try not to say them in public. The baby gets in the tummy when the parents have sex, or a doctor can get a sperm cell and egg cell together to make a baby cell, and put the baby cell into the mum’s uterus to grow.
“I don’t think I’ll really want to have a baby. So I’ll just keep my sperm where it is.”
Solid choice, and plan.
My friends are often surprised I’ve told my kids these things. Sometimes they cringe and sympathise, other times they just about fall over laughing. Believe me, I’ve cringed while having these conversations too! I feel like I have no map. No role models. My own parents never openly discussed these topics. When I was a kid I had to learn about them from books, or from confusing (and inaccurate) playground stories. I’d keep asking questions on the playground until I knew everything the other kids knew. I’ve always been a relentless seeker of information.
I’ve noticed my Autistic parent friends seem more likely to tell their kids the truth. Honesty is a known Autistic strength. My non-Autistic parent friends seem more likely to use delaying tactics. They might change the subject. They might defer “I’ll tell you when you’re a bit older”. They might turn the question back “how do YOU think Santa gets in?”.
I should stress – I have ZERO judgement for how other parents deal with these curly questions! It might well be better to let the kid explore their own ideas for a while, or to have the conversation later once you’ve planned your response. But that’s not an option that occurs to me. My Autistic inclination is to give information immediately.
Hannah Gadsby, Autistic comedian, describes this beautifully in her show Douglas (which is brilliant, I highly recommend it!). The show is all about her Autistic perceptions and experiences. She describes her communication style:
“Pretty much, it’s like, “I have a piece of information you seem to be missing. You may or may not be ready to hear this information, but I’ll tell you anyway because knowledge is power, ignorance is a cage, and feelings can be dealt with. I bid you good day.”.
As difficult as these conversations with my kids can be, they are also rewarding. My kids LOVE my answers. I feel immense satisfaction quenching their thirsty curiosity. I love their earnest search for understanding. They are so interested, so engaged. There are a range of emotions to work through – surprise, disappointment, hilarity. It is rich with connection.
Research shows that in spite of facing greater barriers and poorer mental health, Autistic people are equally likely to be nurturing, involved parents. In our family, nurturing and involvement includes sharing the truth freely.
Are you an Autistic parent? What’s your question-answering style?